When you are trying, hoping, and praying to be pregnant, the 2 weeks between conception and your (hopefully) missed period is the longest two weeks.  The days drag on, a week seems endless as your hope and anticipation rises and rises.  Then when your monthly gift does show up after those 2 weeks of pent up joy, 2 weeks of “maybe I am” thinking,  2 weeks of life altering excitement- it is devastating.   It is also exhausting and quite frankly sad. Not to mention the fact that premenstrual symptoms mirror my pregnancy symptoms- starving, sore breasts, cravings, and did I mention really hungry?

Truth be told, when I got pregnant with SJ we were not actively trying.  We had been married 4 months and I had just overcome a few health issues.  I had gained a lot of weight because of said health issues and was not feeling sexy nor ready to carry a baby for 9 months.  We went to Las Vegas for my husbands business trip and maybe it was just the relaxation of it all, or the relief of starting to feel like a human being again, but my body was ready and a baby was conceived.  Since we were not actively trying it was quite a surprise when I found out I was pregnant 4 weeks later.  I think for a week before I took the test, I knew deep down that there was a baby growing inside of me but I was unprepared.  I was not ready to rent my body out for a growing human and all that comes with it.   I woke up on a Monday morning, ready to start a new diet and work out regime to lose the 30 pounds I had gained over the summer and I couldn’t put it off any longer, I had to take a test.  My intuition was correct as I stared at the 2 solid lines.

Isn’t it a weird feeling to then have to go on with life as usual?  Pretend to the rest of the world that you didn’t just find out completely life altering news?  I called my doctor’s office and they informed we that I couldn’t come in until I was 7 weeks.  7 weeks, what?  That was like another 3-4 weeks away.  I don’t know how to be pregnant, I don’t know what to do.  The busy and uncompassionate lady on the phone quickly ran through a few quick do’s and don’ts after I shakily reminded her that I have never been pregnant and I don’t know what to do.  I then drove to my husbands’ work and told him that it looked like I was going to continue to be fat for another 9 months.  Seriously that is how I told him.  He was in disbelief asking if I was sure 80 times, so I went home and took another test to prove it to him.  We were both a little shocked.

Now I know what to expect.  I want a redo where I get excited and overjoyed when I see those 2 lines.  Where I run to my husbands office and we embrace in joy.  Where I study my growing belly and can’t wipe the smile off my face.  The thought of having another SJ growing inside me just makes me overflow with excitement.

But somehow now month after month, I get a monthly gift instead.  I try to find soulince in the fact that I am following God’s plan for me but I am getting frustrate and sad too.  Something that came so easily last time, that I took for granted and didn’t appreciate one bit feels like a punishment now.

I promise to not take pregnancy for granted.  I promise to enjoy every day and except it with grace and absolute undeniable joy.   Please lord give me one more chance.

I sit, wait, and pray to give SJ a sibling that is close in age to him so he can have the bond I share with my younger sister of 2 1/2 years.  There is nothing better than that relationship and I so desperately hope that SJ can have it too.